it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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