So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
where are my eyebrows?
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