just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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