i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
