Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
