....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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