Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
