don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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