just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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