How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize