You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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