i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
