Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
