The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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