Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
