Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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