my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
