were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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