You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
