you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
