Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
