I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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