I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
