well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
