My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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