Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
