My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
