her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We named our party play list daddy issues
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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