i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
