Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
