Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
