Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My feet surprised me
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