I think I won the penis lottery.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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