How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
