I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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