i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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