the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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