I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
