Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
