The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize