He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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