so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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