All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
