i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
