I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize