my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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