Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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