This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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