have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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