I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
