You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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