I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
