Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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