you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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