This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
