Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Alive.
So much puke
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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