Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
