I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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