Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
