PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
