he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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