so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
