I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
