My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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