You don't have asthma, your pregnant
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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