Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
